Fuck soulmates

Alright so this blog is probably going to be really angsty and sad but I don’t care. I’m a fucking wounded animal, here’s my dying screech. But hey it’s not all bad right? Love can heal all? Except when it doesn’t. Nah. Love is a cruel mistress. Love can make you the happiest you’ve ever been in your life, and simultaneously the fucking most miserable version of yourself you wouldn’t have dared dream or imagine. It’s great. Love is so fucking cool.

I loved someone once. She was a girl. I was so happy. At this point, I hadn’t truly loved a girl in a long time. I had many crushes before this, and liked people, but these people never liked me back. Finally running into a girl who was beautiful, fun to be with, and liked me was great. It felt like a breath of fresh air. The time we spent together while we first started going out was so awesome. I had a great time. Life is so much more fun when you have someone to spend it with. 

We had a great time. We eventually started to officially date, and I felt like I was on top of the world. Unfortunately, this girl did certain things that completely shattered my concept of love and mental health, but even when those things happened, I did my best to see where she was coming from and to understand it. After all, I wasn’t perfect either. We both had never cheated on each other, it was more so moral disagreements. But hey, we had love! That’s all we needed right?

We had so much more than love. We had four baby names picked out. We had wedding plans. Her best friend even picked out a town right in between both our home towns (we lived three and a half hours away from each other) so when we moved in we could be close to our families. A fucking picture perfect relationship right? That’s what everyone thought. My friends, my peers, everyone. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. I remember being foolish enough to tell her she was my soulmate. We both believed we were made for each other.

That God made both our bodies and souls to be together forever. We had great chemistry after all. We made it through long distance, through fights, it was all meant to be. I met all her family  members, she met mine, I spent a ton of time with her and her family, it was meant to be. It had to be. Right? We even started marathoning “Friends” together. It became our show. That show is all about romance and goofy shit like that. It was such a comfort show for us. That had to be it right? It was meant to be.

Until it fucking wasn’t. This fucking stupid idea of someone being made for you is all a crock of bullshit. If I love someone, I will do everything in my power to be there for them, to support them, and to never hurt them. I would do everything in my power to make sure they felt secure, loved, and wanted. You know what’s great? Being in love with someone who doesn’t fucking return the favor. Being in love with someone who you would do anything for, but they wouldn’t for you. 

I had never felt more hurt in my fucking life. Here I thought I found my wife. I thought this woman would be inseparable from me. I had gotten through some rough heartbreaks in the past, but they weren’t on this scale. I wasn’t an adult. I didn’t plan my distant future with these other girls. I couldn’t sleep at night. How could the woman I would spend the rest of my life with hurt me in a way that I would never want to hurt her? It doesn’t make sense. My mindset in a relationship is “I hurt you? I’m sorry, how can I make it up to you?”. Hers? 

“I hurt you? I’m sorry, but if I wanna do it again, I’ll do it again”. What a fucking joke. True love? Soul mates? Fucking kiss my ass. I will never look at love or relationships the same way again. I don’t even know what to say. I am so fucking done with this bullshit. How can someone who loves you fucking hurt you unlike anyone else has? Is that love? Is that what love is? Hurting the person you love? FUCK NO.

I could never hurt someone I love. Especially not intentionally. Fuck man. I’m so goddamn tired. I’m tired of seeing new girls every week. I’m tired of dating and hooking up. I fucking hate it all. Is it too much to ask for someone who loves me the same way I love them? Holy fuck. My fucking soulmate is somewhere out there? Which one? Fuck you. I am so tired and done with that notion. I’ve been with a good amount of girls since the relationship ended. I’m not trying to brag, I’m just trying to put across how fucking empty that shit makes you feel. I’m not made for the streets. I’m a lover.

I love having a bond with someone. I love waking up in the same bed with the same person. I love kissing and feeling the same person. I love having trust in the same person. I love meeting that same person’s family and sisters and friends. I love having a person in my life who I can just be myself with and love. You know what I don’t love? Hooking up with a stranger. Going on a crummy coffee date with a girl I have no chemistry with. Having a three week long situationship. Dating a girl that looks just like my ex. Getting ghosted and cut off and lied to. I hate that shit. 

I’m a lover. I feel like in our modern age, I’m a crazy person. Healing is so challenging. I know it isn’t linear, but shit it’s tough. I see her best friend everywhere I go. I think about her all the time. Even when I go home, I’ll feel my bed and think about her. I’ll go to the restaurant that we got the name for our first daughter from, and I’ll think of her. Fuck man. I’m just tired. All I can do is write. Get my thoughts out. I don’t know if I even wanna publish this one. It’s so raw and dark and depressing. I just wanna be fulfilled romantically. This shit is a chore.