Nostalgia for when you were happy

I’m in an interesting spot right now. This will probably be published months after I’m writing this, but it is currently May. Lately, I can’t help but think a lot about my romantic life. I’ve been dating around a lot lately, and it is honestly kind of exhausting. I got out of a very serious relationship a couple months ago. When I say serious, I mean serious. I thought I was gonna marry this girl. It’s funny looking back on this because there were so many telltale signs that maybe that wasn’t going to happen.

We met at college, and she lived 3.5 hours away from my hometown. Very tough. When we met, she was going to study abroad the semester after. Again, really tough. But hey, love doesn’t really care about that stuff. We spent a ton of time together and eventually got closer and closer and then we said I love you and then we said hey let’s do long distance. Because we loved each other. We did it while she was abroad, we did it over the summer, then we finally were able to be together during the school semester.

It was fun. We had our ups and downs, but it was enjoyable. We broke up though. Yeah, it was too much after a while. There were a ton of reasons why, but I couldn’t do it anymore. Maybe another post I can go into that, but here, I wanna focus on something else. I’m writing this during finals week. All my friends, classmates and peers are studying. I finished my finals early, so I’m left with doing some side projects of my own, namely this blog. I can’t help but feel lonely.

I think back to this day, one year ago. I remember it well. My ex had just come back from being abroad, and we spent so much time together. Every day we studied together, loved each other, ate together, and had fun together. I tell myself the same stuff. I miss the feeling, not the person. I broke the relationship off, and I’m glad I did because deep down, while it hurt, I knew I deserved better. I would have rather been alone than with someone who didn’t love me the way I deserved to be loved. But it still hurts. A lot. I’ve healed a lot since the breakup, but damn healing ain’t linear. It really comes and goes.

I think about how a year ago from this time I was happy. I was a lot happier. And it’s funny because I didn’t necessarily think like this before. I think it might have had something to do with the weather being nice, me being out, and classes ending. I remember having so much free time a year ago, and thinking “wow I can spend it with my girlfriend”. I look at my situation now and I get sad. I enjoyed being with someone. But, I then think logically. If I leave someone, it’s for a damn good reason. I have stuck by people I love through thick and thin. I’m not one to leave at the drop of a hat.

If I leave a girlfriend, I know I did everything in my damn power to keep that relationship afloat. And I couldn’t. That’s just how the cookie crumbles sometimes. It hurts. It sucks. There’s a woman out there who knows everything about me, and now, she is just a stranger. I can’t help but wish I could go back in time and change some things. But that’s what being an adult is all about. Living with the consequences of your actions. I don’t regret what I did. It’s just I didn’t want to do it, but I knew I had to. Nostalgia is such a bittersweet drug. Maybe when I heal fully, I can look back at this piece and smile. That’s my goal right now.