Leaving hurts

I remember when I was a young kid. I had a girlfriend. I must have been in late elementary school. I didn’t even know what I was doing. This was the definition of a young relationship. We would hold hands. We would kiss each other on the cheek. It was wholesome. It was cute. It was fun. I remember being really happy. Then this girl broke up with me over text. I was freaking destroyed. It messed me up real bad. It hurt a lot honestly. I was 12 or something. That shit killed me. But after some time, I eventually got over it, and moved on.

I remember when I was in high school. I had a girlfriend. This time, it was a girl I had known for a long time. We both went to the same pre-school funnily enough. We then reunited in middle school and high school and then we started to date. I was really happy. Nothing crazy happened with us, we were teenagers in high school, you can imagine what we did. It was real fun though. It was fun to kiss and spend time with someone. Then, this girl broke up with me over text. Damn 2/2 with the whole phone thing huh, 

This time it really hurt me. I remember being so bummed out about the whole thing, but hey, it’s fine. I got over it eventually. It took a long time. Like a long long time. Didn’t help the fact that the break up lasted forever because we didn’t do no contact or anything like that. And if you’re smart, you know no contact is the ONLY way to go in a breakup. I wish I did that again though. Well, I’m talking about the future right now. Technically, it’s the past, but it’s the future from my high school days. I’m confusing myself.

In college, I saw a good amount of girls. I settled down with this one girl for over a year. It was nice. We loved each other. Our relationship was tough, mostly because of the long distance, or the fights, but we had a good time. This time, I broke up with her. It was over facetime, so it wasn’t a text, but still. Sheesh. It’s not like I planned it or anything I just kinda did it. It’s not even like I fucking wanted to. That’s what I wanna talk about today. It’s hard to get broken up with. But you know what’s also hard? To break up with someone you loved who couldn’t meet you in the middle.

I’ve definitely written about this before but I forget how deep I got into it. Basically I gave my ex an ultimatum, and she didn’t comply. I didn’t wanna do that in the first place. I feel like ultimatums are kinda shitty. To say to someone “hey pick this or this and those are the only possible options” feels kinda crummy to me. I get that. I didn’t want to. But this argument that led to this ultimatum had been bubbling up for damn near a year. There’s a lot of personal details I’m shying away from sharing, for obvious reasons, so sue me.

But yeah after a year of arguing on and off about the same thing, it just boiled over. It was shitty. It sucked. But I gave her the choice of sticking to her guns and losing me, or meeting me in the middle with a compromise and keeping me. Take a guess what happened? I’d say the hardest thing is that this relationship was a good one. I look back on it and realize a lot of it was shitty and toxic, but I overall reflect and think “damn I was happy when I was with her”. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. But again, the hardest part was leaving. I didn’t want to. 

I feel like this girl made me leave her. I do my best to treat others the way I’d like to be treated. Am I perfect? No, but still I try. I really did my best in that relationship to make sure it was good. Her and I weren’t perfect. We had our moments of insecurity and pettiness. Bro I am so petty if I love you, by the way. But seriously, we both tried our best. I know we did. But the relationship devolved into a spot where it was just not really that good. And I was a fool because I didn’t see it coming. I was just so naive. I wanted to be with her. I thought she was my soulmate.

Leaving my soulmate? Leaving the mother of my future kids? Leaving the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with? Yeah, that hurt like nothing else you could have imagined. I don’t believe I’ve ever done anything in my life as hard as that night. When I broke up with her. I’m still haunted by the look on her face, the tears rolling down her cheeks, the words she said to me, the way she talked to me, fuck. I’m kinda getting emotionally overwhelmed right now with thoughts I haven’t thought of in months. Jeez. I feel like it’s natural to demonize your ex, but honestly, we were both just kids. Two kids who fell desperately in love with each other, who maybe weren’t all that compatible in the long term. But again I think, we were together for over a year. That’s pretty long term right? Right? I don’t know.

I woke up today and I felt… odd. I wasn’t sad. But my mind thought about her. I thought about why we broke up. And I couldn’t help but think about how she chose the thing I was fighting over her with. I know I’m being super obtuse and annoying right now, but stick with me. I couldn’t help but think about how she just chose that instead of me. There was no cheating involved here by the way. I got no patience for infidelity at all. Basically a boundary was broken, and it kept getting broken until I realized it was too much. But the fact that she chose that thing over me? That’s what haunts me. That’s what I need to heal from.

How could this girl do that? She sent me wedding dresses she liked. She picked out four baby names with me. She planned to buy a house with me when we moved out of our homes. How could she choose something like that over a life with the man she loved? If it were me? I would’ve made whatever compromise I could have made so we both would have felt comfortable, but also been together. That’s the worst part. When someone you love doesn’t treat you the way you would treat them. That’s what fucked me up. Because if the roles were reversed, I would have done anything. Anything at all. I would have moved heaven and earth. And she didn’t. 

So where does that leave me? I’ve dated, hooked up and had fun after the fact, but I still feel betrayed by her. I bet she feels the same way that I do. I don’t know. There’s no right or wrong answer here. It’s just still so foreign to me. I’ve been with girls that have reminded me of her. Either in little ways or big ways. I can still block out those thoughts and do whatever I have to do, but it’s so odd. To be intimate with a person, but be thinking of another. I don’t know. It’s crazy. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling. But I can’t help it. I think about her a lot. What’s she been up to? Is she sad? How much as she healed? What do all her family members think? What do the ones I loved think? I was pretty close with her family. That was the hardest part. Her sisters still view my stories. I couldn’t bring myself to block them. If you two are somehow reading this, just know that I still care about your family. I may have mixed and complicated emotions for your sister, but I did genuinely love her and plan her to be in my life. I planned to be a part of your guys’ lives too. 

Sheesh. I don’t know man. I think about this stuff all the time. I say this a lot but I’m thankful I have this blog. It’s like the quote from Of Mice and Men said by Crooks. I forget how it exactly goes, but a man has to talk to SOMEONE about the way he feels, or he’ll go insane. This platform has done wonders for my healing and my mental health. On a scale of one to ten, if I was a one when I broke up with her, I’m probably a solid seven lately. Doing my best. That’s all I can do. This blog post was a bit longer than usual. Thanks for reading it all. I appreciate it. I love you guys. Even if it’s just one or two people, if someone out there is reading and enjoying my content, that’s enough for me. Thanks.