What do you want for your family?

When I ask that question, I’m talking about YOUR family. The family you will create with someone. I’m obviously assuming that you want a family. Some people don’t want a family. And that’s completely fine. Nothing wrong with that. Overpopulation is a problem after all. Alright to avoid sounding like Thanos, I’ll stop. Honestly, I find myself asking why I’m thinking about it. Well, I know why. There’s two main reasons.

When I was in my previous relationship, I would think about this all the time. We were so serious about each other and we would talk about that kinda stuff all the time. I remember the day before we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. At this point, we were doing long distance. I know that sounds dumb. How were we doing long distance if we weren’t even together? Well the truth is we did things in a really stupid way but we were kids and loved each other and naive as hell. I can’t help but remember the call we had. We were talking about family.

We would always talk about our families and our dynamic with them. We both had great families. They weren’t perfect, but we would bond over some of the shared issues we both had. That’s one thing I do miss about being in a relationship. It’s nice to have a woman to talk to about whatever is bothering me, and have that comfort. I’m lucky because I have friends and family I trust who I can talk to about that stuff, but it’s different. Feminine energy is so healing. I don’t regret what I did, I’m glad I got out of that relationship, but it’s bittersweet. It’s a different feeling. Having someone who was once a stranger, now the love of your life, comforting you.

I think about that a lot. Will I be able to be like that with another woman? I’ve had enough new relationships since then, and honestly, I would always keep the girls at an arm’s length. I think it was because I was just worried about getting my heart completely shattered again. I don’t know. That’s something I gotta get better at admittedly. I don’t know man. What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, family. That call we had, we talked a lot about what we both wanted for a future family. We agreed on a lot. Pretty much all of it. We just wanted a nice, warm, loving and welcoming environment. When she said she wanted to be my girlfriend the day after, she told me that conversation is what sealed the deal. I remember it all so clearly. Vividly. I could close my eyes and picture where I was when I was on the phone with her. I was at my college job. I remember her smile. Yeesh. 

That’s a part of my life that I don’t like revisiting. It was so hard. It’s even harder now to look back. Because I just can’t help but think of that failed relationship. But hey, I learned a lot. I did the right thing. I’ve healed a lot from it. I still have some more to go though. But I still think about my family. The family I will make with another woman one day. I thought that woman woulda been her though, so again, it’s bittersweet. There’s nothing like a tragedy of love, huh? But now, I still feel the same.

I just want my own family to be a peaceful one full of love. I hate arguing with family. I hate fighting with family. That’s the last thing a family should do. I don’t want that. I know it’s challenging to raise and maintain a family but that’s all I’ve ever wanted. My own family, with the woman I love, to be peaceful. I feel myself pondering this point a lot. Maybe because I’m back home now, for good, but life can change so fast and easily. Life at college was always so fast paced and crazy. I was always going out on a date, or having friends over, or going out, just always doing stuff. There was very rarely a dull moment.

Now, at home, it’s different. I live with my family. I am still busy, don’t get me wrong. I work like a dog at my jobs, I do a ton of writing, I still hang out with a ton of my friends, but it’s different. It’s so peaceful. It’s so quiet. It’s predictable honestly. But it’s nice. I feel content. Don’t get me wrong I want a lot. I want to meet a woman to be with, I want to further my career in writing, I want to keep making connections and enjoying life. So yeah. I learned how peaceful it is to be at home. I miss that fast paced college life, but I do enjoy what I’m doing now. This whole piece has been very crazy. It’s been all over the place. Call it me trying to clear the cobwebs. But that’s all I want. I just want a peaceful life with people I love. Who doesn’t?